End times

I am too exhausted to come up with anything clever to write (and I'm afraid if I continue to beg everyone I know for the 'sweet, sweet relief of death' people might start worring about me), I will give you a sampling of the best police reports I looked at this week. Summaries are by me, with info from the police department:

A 39-year-old woman told police she was working at a health care facility in the 1000 block of Kingsmill Parkway at about 7 p.m. Friday
when a client became enraged after finding out there was ketchup on his hamburger, according to police reports.
The victim and a witness told police that the suspect "went off," flipping a table over and damaging the kitchen of the business by throwing glass bottles and jars.
The victim said that during the melee, the suspect threw a glass jar of jelly at her, hitting her in the ribs and injuring her, before threatening,"I'll kick your ass."
Damage to the kitchen was estimated at $200.

A 55-year-old man told police that around 11:45 a.m. Oct. 21 a man -- who had already been ordered by a judge to stay away -- came to his house, in the 4900 block of Sienna Lane and repeatedly taunted and harassed him.
The victim said the suspect stopped his vehicle in front of his house and yelled at him to come out on the front porch.
The victim, who is terminally ill, said the suspect also yelled, "You're not dying, are you? Yeah, you are."

A 22-year-old man told police he was standing outside of a business in the 1000 block of Morse Road at about 2:45 a.m. Saturday and smoking a cigar with a friend when "100 Asians" came out and jumped him, causing $300 in damage to his vehicle.

A woman called police Oct. 24 to report her 18-month-old child had been bitten by another child at a day care center in the 4500 block of Heaton Road the previous day.
She said she contacted police after she discovered that the child who had bitten her child, leaving a bruise, was that of one of the school's instructors.
The woman said that the instructor told her that the victim was bothering her son and deserved to be bitten, and said that she wanted to file charges against the staffer.
The responding officer told the woman that the assault occurred between two 18-month-old children, and that the instructor was not present during the biting.

A woman living in the 4700 block of Beaucroft Court told police that around 5 a.m. Monday she saw her ex-boyfriend in her driveway, using a hose to pour water into her car's gas tank. She said she told the suspect to leave the property and he ran away. Another victim at the residence reported having two driver's side tires flattened that morning and said that two weeks prior to the recent incident, the vehicles belonging to the first victim and her new boyfriend had almost all of their tires flattened. The current boyfriend said the ex-boyfriend has also sent him threatening voice mails and text messages, even though he had changed his phone number. In all, the cars had about $1,800 in damages, the victims reported.

A 33-year-old woman told police that she went Sunday to a function for her daughter at a church in the 4200 block of Morse Road, and that while in her car at around 12:45 p.m. she was approached by her ex-husband's girlfriend, whom she does not get along with.
The victim said she got out of the car and began arguing with the girlfriend when the girlfriend punched her in the head.
The victim said she then kicked the suspect, the pair began fighting and ended up struggling on the ground until separated by their pastor.

In other news: I received a jury summons Saturday. I plan on reenacting Pauly Shore's opus Jury Duty beginning the Monday after Thanksgiving. It's sure to be good times.